Thursday, 26 February 2009

A letter to you all from my heart...

I only ever touch on the subject that I suffer from M.E. Mostly because it's depressing enough to have it, never mind share it with others through what is supposed to be a little bit of escapism for me and fun for you.

However, I know that this blog isn't always to the best of my ability and that bothers me. I can't get out there to write about what's happening on 'the street'. I can't show you my cool little sewing projects and self-made or customised clothing, because for years now I haven't had the energy or concentration to sew (I miss it dearly). I'm never going to report on the latest store opening, launch or party because a) I don't live in London and b) even if I did, I would be too knackered to attend. I won't post daily-outfit style posts as I don't have a camera and most days I don't leave the house and want to feel comfortable, thus the outfits aren't worth photographing. I can't show off my latest designer purchase because without a job, I can't afford them. Sometimes my fatigue is so bad that I can't even research, collect images and write the necessary needed for a short post.

Why am I telling you this? It's certainly not for sympathy. It's not even to highlight the dangers of pushing yourself too hard and ending up like me (becoming chronically ill isn't going to happen to everyone). I think I just wanted to level with you all. It's taken me a long time to be able to talk about and accept my illness and that I may never get better...that maybe this is how life will turn out for me. I hope that although I can't give you the aforementioned posts-that perhaps there is something else you can take away from my blog.

I know you can't relate to the intense pain I will feel from going on a short shopping trip. You can't imagine what it's like to be stuck in a house for weeks without ever going outside. You probably have no idea how frustrating it is trying to navigate around H&M in a wheelchair and that's only a tiny portion of problems I face every day.

However, I am still that 5 year old girl that when asked 'how was school today?', I would reply 'my teacher wore...'. I am still that same girl who wore outrageous outfits that made everyone point and stare. I am still the girl who with a torn ankle ligament walked in 3 1/2" heels, because these were the lowest I owned. I am still the girl who has more makeup than Boots. I am still 'shoe-girl' nicknamed by the boys at Uni for my never-ending collection of footwear. I am still the girl who has an intense passion for fashion and can't ever imagine a career outside of the industry. I am still that girl...even if after 7 years of this cruel illness, gaining 4 stone and going up 3 dress sizes that I may not look like her from the outside.

None of you knew me when I was that girl and everytime I am introduced to a friends new boyfriend, I wonder what they see. I wonder if anyone can see the girl I used to be, the girl I still am. With that, I will continue to battle to keep my identity and sense of style (and humour) even if I am in a wheelchair and feeling like crap. And I hope you can continue this journey with me. I would be over the moon if you find something of interest in this blog, something that makes you come back, something that makes you smile. I'm here to make myself happy and if that can spread to others then it's worthwhile. Lots of love and sparkles, Pink Haired Princess x

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