This is my umpteenth attempt re-writing this, I've been coming back to it for months and indeed there's a very similar one lurking in my drafts folder from February last year. That in itself is very telling of the theme of this post, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to blog, I'm struggling to share my 'life' on social media. I'm struggling to read or reply to the hundreds of emails that fill my inbox every week (
sooo overwhelming), I'm struggling and my body is letting me know that. We've had this conversation before (me and my body and you and I); I think it was one of my earliest M.E. On posts, where I said I'd no longer apologise for missing deadlines, falling behind with work or not doing something I said I'd do and yet a couple of years on, I've fallen into the same cycle and trap of saying "yes" to everything and thinking I can work like a 'normal' person. I can't, so why do I keep pretending I can? In a way, I'm pleased my body has decided to give up. I feel like saying "good on you, you show her she can't do it"! On the otherhand I feel incredibly disappointed and maybe even slightly pathetic, that I went through that horrendous year of gallbladder issues whilst continuing to blog, but now I'm "better", I'm
not managing. That's ridiculous though. I shouldn't need
another reason besides battling M.E. to find blogging and all that comes with it, hard. It's an extremely debilitating illness and that should be enough. Part of me taking this much time away (and it's definitely the biggest part) is that I'm simply not able for it. I really
do have to stress that and I don't want this post to detract from the fact that the physical issues are the biggest and indeed the root cause of everything that I'm about to write. You simply
cannot blog when you're in a lot of pain or sleeping. So please take the time to read my (slightly shorter)
post here on the added health issues I've been having this year (it'll open in a new tab, so you won't lose your place here) as well as dealing with my usual M.E. symptoms.
There is however, a small part of me that's struggling with motivation or attitude. If I'm really honest I've felt relief that I've been able to wake up each day knowing I didn't have to blog. I didn't have to paste a smile on my face (why do I do that behind a computer screen?) and think up something witty or creative to write or force myself to take photos or edit or promote this and that. I didn't have to do it and I was so relieved. If I were reading that about someone else, I'd say they were better off giving it up if they weren't enjoying and it sounds like I'm not enjoying it. I'm not sure that's how I really feel though, certainly not wholly. The truth is I've been chasing my tail for years, so it's not come as a surprise to me that it's reached breaking point. I chatted with my family a few months ago about the prospect of giving up blogging entirely and they were devastated, absolutely gutted. It came out of nowhere for them. I think the biggest issue for them is, I wouldn't have a reason or purpose to get up each day if I wasn't blogging, as outside of blogging I'm capable of very little. They know it's a lot of work, but I don't think until you're doing it, you can really grasp all it involves. It's taken up every waking hour of my day, 7 days a week for years now and while nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to do it, I have to put in those hours in order to get the work done, because I'm not a "normal" person. It doesn't come easy to me and I never realised how much of a task it would become or how much my health would deteriorate in this time. Blogging has changed a lot over the last few years and there's so much expected of you now, which is a tremendous pressure and one I often don't feel up to fulfilling.
